People always say that having that 3rd kid can be the hardest. That once you have more kids than hands, it gets really tricky. I never bought in to the 3 kids, 2 hands thing, but I always concurred that 3 kids was probably very overwhelming. For me, three kids changes the whole ball game. Instead of feeling like I don't have enough hands, it's more like I need 2 more BODIES for the other 2. Right when I need to be nursing, one needs help with homework and the other needs a snack, or wiping, or dinner has to be started, or the wash has to be changed before we go out the door, but everyone is already in coats and Franklin is screaming. Suddenly, I feel like I am being pulled 3 different ways (or more) and I don't remember being so overwhelmed with 2.
The most important change is that 3 kids seems to have finally driven me inside myself and my family. This is hard to explain. I so often find myself thinking "I can't, I need to just take care of us right now". I feel like I can't help or give as much, I can't take care of others, I need to take care of us because somehow the jump from 2 to 3 has made me completely unable to handle more than my little household. While I realize that most of this is due to the fact that Odessa and Ada were easier babies, that they were close together and all the work kind of heaped into 2 years and then was over for the last 3, and that we will probably "grow out" of this difficult phase, I also wonder if something permanent has occurred. I admit that sometimes it feels good to say to myself "I can't, I need to focus on us". What doesn't feel good is telling Stephen "no, we can't have so-and-so over for dinner" or to the girls "no, I can't help you with that right now". What a difference three makes to me. I feel like I have stepped back from being in a position to help and now I look around hoping someone else will fill the gap.
This isn't meant to be a downer or a deterrent to those wanting a big family, I just needed to document how fundamentally 3 kids has changed me and my outlook towards the world. There are plenty of capable people who have a lot more kids than 3, I am pretty sure I won't be one of them. Relinquishing control has to play a part in that and I work on that too. For now, I am ok to turn a little more inward more of the time.
8 comments:
Great post Tara. Thanks for sharing!
I agree with Alyssa - thanks for sharing. This is one of those things that we should talk about more, because I feel the same way and I only have TWO!
Also, you should know that I think you are one of the most compassionate people I know. I'm serious - you have always brought me dinner when I didn't even know I needed it, and you fold my laundry when it takes over my couch. I love you.
That's interesting. I felt exactly like that after Raine. I had a really hard time making the transition to "zero autonomy," aka motherhood. Then when Carter was born, every clicked and I felt like it was actually easier with two. Who knows what would happen if I added a third --- I'd probably completely snap and have to be hauled away to a padded room!
This phase will definitely pass and you will once again be able to be everything to everyone. But until it does, you don't have to apologize for recognizing your limits and putting your family first. Relish the insanity!!
Give yourself credit for all you do for both others and your family. It is not only that you have a third baby but now your older children have schedules for school and you have more on your daily schedule to keep up with. This is a busy time in your life. Your family needs you more now so it is ok to give them more time.
I love you, Tara. Thank you for paying the price to give birth to and nurture your children. Raising children is a costly venture, but I promise you, that it is worth every effort you put into it. I know that you know that, but I also know that it is hard to keep that perspective when you are in the thick of caring for three busy children. I hope you can take joy in the time that you have with them now. I also hope that you will find strength in the women around you who are doing the same thing in their lives or who have been there before. Women need other women - especially when their children are young. Nancy
I feel the SAME way with my 3!!!! It is hard to leave my house!
Great post Tara! Thank you so much for sharing!
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